The Borg's Most Embarrassing Moments
by Ed Harley
Summary: Because there are some species that really shouldn't be assimilated.
1. Chapter 1

The Ferengi Problem

_The following took place aboard the USS Committed on Stardate 46552.5. Starfleet Intelligence believes that this is an encounter with the same Borg Cube that captured a Ferengi merchant vessel near Outpost 929._

_[]_

"Captain," a startled ensign said. "We're detecting an unknown vessel, heading: 185 mark 75."

The security officer interrupted: "Captain, it's a Borg Cube on an intercept course!"

"Raise shields!" the captain sounded the alert. "All hands to battle stations!"

"Sir," the com officer said. "We're being hailed!

The captain smoothed down his uniform and stood. "On screen."

The view was of a space deep inside the cube, a labyrinthine network of machinery and corridors that glowed in a most disturbing manner. Then the hive mind of the Borg spoke as one pulsating mechanical voice assembled from many:

"Human crew of the Starship USS Committed. Lower your shields so that we may show you our fine selection of goods and services."

"W... what?" captain stuttered. "You want to..."

"To resist our low low prices would be futile. We have a sale on Raelian tactical poultry: 25% off. Buy 2 medicinal tentacle monkeys from Oodibu Prime and get one robotic love slave thrown in free. We also offer an excellent line of ancient Earth Snuggies..."

The captain's eyes narrowed. "This is an outrage! You're insane if you think I'm going to fall for this trickery!"

"Captain," the hive mind continued. "You seem particularly irritable today- could you be experiencing Low-T? Have you not been feeling like your old self? Has your sex drive not been strong lately? We will send Merchant 489 with a complimentary sample."

There was a sudden rumble and the whole ship shuddered. The security officer tapped the control panel furiously. "Captain, they're hitting us with some sort of beam... primary shields failing! Trying to compensate..."

A single Borg materialized on deck. It turned toward the captain and held out a tube of ointment.

"Apply three times daily." The half mechanical man twitched. "Warning: should Starfleet experience an erection lasting longer than Stardate 46553.7 seek medical help immediately."

"What?"

Ocular implants buzzed and the Borg tilted its head. "Customer suffers hearing loss- must inform customer that for three easy payments of gold-pressed latinum we can outfit the entire crew with superior hearing implants."

"Out!" the captain demanded. "Out!"

"Hey..." the young ensign leaned close to the Borg. "So, how much were those love slaves again?"

The captain grabbed the ointment from the Borg's hand. "Ensign! Control yourself and get back to work!"

"Yes sir." The frustrated young man grumbled. "Wouldn't hurt to ask..."


	2. Chapter 2

Species 338572

_The following incident took place aboard the USS Lungfish on Stardate 46758.1. Starfleet Intelligence reports that the unusual Borg ship was encountered during a routine scientific expedition to the Other Crab Nebula._

_[]_

"Captain, we're detecting an unidentified vessel!"

"On screen." The captain stood in complete silence for a moment as he examined the strange craft. The roundish blond fuzzball filled most of the view-screen, massively dwarfing the Federation Starship.

The captain couldn't form words at first. "It's... uh... ensign, what type of ship is that?"

The young officer shook her head at the results of the scan. "Registering a metallic substructure surrounded by an outer layer of biological proteins- long keratin fibers extend hundreds of meters from the core."

"Keratin? Lieutenant, are you saying this ship has... hair growing from it?

"Captain," the security officer broke in. "The subspace signature is that of a Borg vessel."

"The Borg..." the captain swore. "What the devil are they up to?"

An alarm sounded too late as three shapes materialized on the bridge. The crew drew their weapons but the Borg, if that's what they really were, didn't resemble the Borg at all. The man-sized creatures were completely covered in hair. There were no conduits, hoses, or any other modifications visible, though who could tell through all that fur?

"Hold your fire!" The captain looked with suspicion but also curiosity at the visitors who resembled over-groomed cats in a magnetic field. "This is Captain Lawrence..."

The visitors paid no attention at all. One curled up under a table, another sat down on a floor vent, the third one appeared to groom itself. Bits of fluff drifted through the air with their every motion, adhering to uniforms and sticking to control panels.

"Captain!" A door hissed open and young guard rushed out of the turbo-lift in a snowstorm of loose fur. "Captain... they're... they're all over the ship!"

The security officer turned to the captain. "Permission to use the quantum flame-throwers?"

"Not yet, lieutenant." The captain tapped his badge and hailed engineering. "Chief, are the intruders causing any damage?"

"No sir, not exactly," the engineer's voice was strained with frustration. "But it's rubbing up against my leg and purring! And one of them is curled up on top the warp coils! I poked at it with a stick but it still won't leave!"

The security officer broke in again: "If I could target these creatures with quantum flame-throwers..."

"Not yet." the captain said dismissively and then he decided to contact his first officer. "Commander Flynt... this is the captain... Commander, are you there? Commander... humph!"

"Computer, where is my first officer located?"

The pleasant feminine voice responded: "Commander Flynt is inside the holodeck."

"Computer, I need my first officer beamed to the bridge immediately!"

The calm voice barely wavered. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, captain."

"Now!" the captain demanded.

The form of Commander Flynt materialized right in front of the captain's chair. "Oooh baby... oh yeah, girl... that's it... wait... uh oh!" He quickly grabbed a tactical report to cover his crotch.

The captain's mouth dropped open. "Commander! Where are your clothes?"

The commander's eyes shifted back and forth. "I... I was just getting dressed... you know, in costume... uh... for that new Sherlock Holmes program... yeah."

"Sherlock Holmes..." The captain crossed his arms, furious at the obvious lie. "Oh, really?

The commander looked down in shame. "Well... it was... um... Sherlock Bones..."

The captain jabbed a finger at the turbo-lift. "Commander, go find some pants right now! And the rest of you do something about this blasted fur!"

"Sir," the security officer chimed in. "If we could just blast them with quantum flamethrowers..."

The captain snapped. "For the last time, lieutenant, we don't use quantum flamethrowers indoors! Understand?"

The security officer couldn't hide his disappointment. "Yes sir, I guess..."

The captain turned to his navigation officer. "Where did that ship originate?

"Plotting it's course backwards from the current location." she calculated. "The ship would have passed through the Follikol 9 system."

The captain spat out a bit of fur and clenched one fist in the air. "The Tribble home world..."


End file.
